


Bleach Volleyball

by KiraHeartilly



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26882071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiraHeartilly/pseuds/KiraHeartilly
Summary: Crack- Chaos ensues when some of the Shinigami are instructed to guard a beach, possibly overnight. Byakuya can't pitch his tent, Renji leaves to interrupt Rukia's "date," and a hollow appears with a strange and deadly power, the ability to make them allWhat‽
Kudos: 2





	Bleach Volleyball

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this and posted it else where back in 2008.  
> But I want to transfer over some of my older works.  
> Some of my older humor was a lot more problematic. i tried to edit out what I could while preserving the story.  
> I apologize for whatever I've missed.
> 
> CW: There's an old crossdressing joke that no longer sits as well with me as it once did. I'd edit it out completely but there's too much dialogue centered around it, so i'll d my best to fix it.

**Shinigami Beach Battle**

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Bleach**

* * *

"I can't believe a noble such as myself would be reduced to something so humiliating," moaned Byakuya, struggling in vain to pitch the tent. The metal poles refused to cooperate and simply thrashed about aimlessly.

"You nobles really have no idea how to do anything do you?" Kenpachi teased, proudly displaying his newly pitched tent.

"Let me help, Captain Kuchiki," Renji offered, "I've already set mine."

"No, I'll…do…it…myself!" Byakuya stubbornly struggled with his tent. Still, he got nowhere. "That's it!" He screamed in frustration, leaping out of his gigai and drawing his Zanpakuto. "Bankai- Scatter Senbonzakura Kageyoshi!" He screamed angrily, tearing the tent to shreds with a million shards of shattered metal.

"And I thought we were the dangerous ones," said Mayuri to Kenpachi, peacefully resting in the warm sun. He let out a yawn and announced, "Maybe I should do some research to find out why nobles are so incompetent at every day tasks."

"Don't label all of us as incompetent just because Byakuya's an idiot," Warned Suì-Fēng. "Or I'll declare you a traitor and have you executed."

"Would you all please just shut up!?" Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya complained. "Captain General Yamamoto told us to guard this beach, not go on a vacation!"

"You just need to relax, Captain," Matsumoto suggested. She was one of the few actually dressed for the beach, wearing a red bikini that barely qualified as clothing. She gave him a big motherly hug.

"LemmegoIcanfbreath," he mumbled in vain. He tried to wiggle his way out of Matsumoto's grasp, but she kept holding him tight.

"Not until you promise to relax."

"Yumichika, I don't think guys are supposed to wear that," Ikkaku told his best friend.

"Why not? It looks so beautiful, don't you think?" Yumichika spun around to display his red bikini from all angles. "Matsumoto and I found these when we went out shopping together. I don't usually like wearing the same outfit as other people but I just had to make an exception."

"What do you mean you don't like to wear the same outfit as other people? You're a Shinigami. You wear a uniform all the time!"

"That's why I decorated my uniform with that orange collar I always wear."

"That's why you always wear that ugly thing?"

"Hey don't call me ugly, baldy!'

"I didn't call you ugly, just that orange crap you're always wearing," Ikkaku explained.

"And that's the same as calling ME ugly," Yumichika retorted.

"No its not," Ikkaku insisted.

"Nobody wants to listen to your lovers' quarrel," Matsumoto complained angrily. "Now would you two shut up so that I can harass my captain in peace!"

Yumichika turned up his nose. "Well it's 2020 and I think it looks beautiful, who cares if people say it isn't for men to wear? True fashion knows no gender."

Ikakku scratched his head. "You're right, that was wrong of me, I apologize."

"Apology accepted."

"Does anyone know where Rukia is?" Renji asked the other Shinigami. "She said she'd stop by if she wasn't busy. I can't sense her reiatsu anywhere."

"She told me she had a date with Ichi,' Yachiru told Renji.

"A WHAT!?" Renji screamed, flabbergasted.

"You know, a date, a series of romantic events between two people who are attracted to each other. Guess you took to long and missed your chance with her, huh?" Yachiru teased. "You know she used to tell me she thought you might be the one, but you just never seemed interested."

"Where are they?" Renji demanded.

"I think they said they were going to see a movie," Yachiru answered, "But I don't know which one." She waved as Renji leapt out of his gigai and dashed of into the distance.

"How much of that was true?" Matsumoto asked out of curiosity.

"Rukia said she was going to a movie with Ichi and his friends but I made the rest up to mess with Renji." Yachiru smiled mischievously

"Bakudo number 3964-White Flare Nova!" Byakuya shouted, blasting the shredded tent further into the oblivion of nothingness.

* * *

"Could you please pass the popcorn, Ichigo," Uryu asked.

"Grab it yourself." Ichigo whispered angrily.

"If this is about me spilling my soda on you, I already said I was sorry."

"No this is about you insisting we see a horror film. It's not even scary. I wanted to see an action flick," Ichigo complained. "The idiots who made this don't know a thing about real ghosts! And Shinigami are not giant bat winged demons who fly around killing people."

"You didn't have to watch with us," Uryu reminded him.

"What's the point of seeing a movie with your friends if you see a DIFFERENT MOVIE!?" Ichigo shouted.

"Keep it down you two I'm trying to AHHHHHHHHH!" Rukia screamed in fear, frightened by the monsters on screen. She was the only one.

Turning to Rukia, Ichigo whispered. "Why are _you_ afraid of Shinigami anyway? You are one."

The child next to her turned angrily to Rukia and also whispered, "I'm nine and that didn't scare me," she said. "What's wrong with you?"

"That's it you little brat." Rukia reached into her pocket for what looked like a bunny shaped PEZ dispenser and popped a pill into her mouth. She was forced out of her gigai, leaving behind an overly hyper-active copy of herself.

"What are you doing Rukia?" Ichigo gasped.

"Kuchiki-san…" Orihime said pleadingly

But it was too late, she was invisible to anyone without immense spiritual pressure, and was thus free to torment her nine-year-old harasser. But her plans were interrupted when Renji burst into the theater.

"Ichigo you bastard, I'm going to kill you! Bankai!" His Zanpakuto transformed into its ultimate form, a weird furry snake-like bony thing with a weird head. "Hihi-o Zabimaru!" His Zanpakuto flew forward at blazing speeds, tearing up the arena and sending the movie watchers running in fear.

"Renji, what are you doing you idiot?" Ichigo screamed as he leapt out of the way. He dodged the first attack, but Zabimaru returned for another go, forcing Ichigo to leap around like a monkey. In fact, that's sort of what it looked like to anyone without any spiritual pressure.

Ichigo struggled out of his body leaving it limp in Chad's arms.

"Keep my body safe," Ichigo said to Chad.

The orange haired Shinigami turned angrily to the red haired one. "What are you doing you bastard?" He shouted angrily. But Renji just attacked again, smashing a huge hole in the theater floor. "Okay that's it, Bankai." Ichigo angrily swung his Zanpakuto around in wild arcs trying to hit Renji, but the two ended up destroying half the theater without landing a single hit on each other.

The Shinigami charged toward each other when suddenly a Quincy arrow flew between them, forcing them both to leap backward.

"This is why I hate Shinigami!" Complained Uryu. "You're all a bunch of reckless assholes!"

"Don't lump all Shinigami in with those two!" Complained Rukia. "Dance Sode no Shirayuki! Dance Number One Tsukishiro!" She spun around, creating a circle of ice on the floor that shot a pillar of ice upward to the roof. Luckily, Uryu was able to dodge it.

"That's it," Uryu screamed, firing arrow after arrow at Rukia. Unfortunately, one of his many arrows strayed off course, grazing Orihime's handbag.

"That was my favorite handbag," she said mildly. "My brother gave it to me before he died. AND YOU RUINED IT! TSUBAKI-KOTEN ZANSHUN: I REJECT!

"Orihime," Chad said softly, "couldn't you just repair it with your Souten Kisshun?"

"I could," she answered, "but I want to kill Uryu first!"

* * *

"Finally I have conquered you vile tent!" Byakuya said triumphantly.

"Who's up for a game of bleach volleyball?" Matsumoto shouted cheerfully.

"Don't you mean beach volleyball?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Isn't that what I said?" Matsumoto asked obliviously.

"I'm in!" Said Yumichika. "Volleyball is an excellent way to keep in shape."

"Well if Yumichika's going to play, I might as well." Ikkaku said apathetically.

"Let's play Ken-chan!" Yachiru chirped.

"Alright, I'll play," said Kenpachi.

"Well then we need one more player, you in Captain Hitsugaya?" Asked Matsumoto.

"Pfft," he scoffed.

"Well then I guess I'll play," said Mayuri. "It will be an excellent chance to research…..oh who cares I'm bored."

So thus were the teams: Matsumoto, Ikkaku, and Yumichika and Kenpachi, Yachiru, and Mayuri. "How convenient for us that I found this beach ball just lying around," Matsumoto said to the others. "How deus ex machina is that?"

Toshiro Hitsugaya occupied himself by scanning the area for any signs of suspicious activity, while Byakuya proudly admired his tent. The others, on the other hand, were enjoying an exciting game of volleyball. They hit the ball back and forth happily until, "Take This!" Kenpachi spiked the ball with too much force, hurtling it directly into Byakuya's tent, toppling it over."

"You BASTARD!" Screamed Byakuya as he leapt out of his gigai. "Senbonzakura Kageyoshi!" He called out, calling upon the thousands of shards of petal like shrapnel that made up his Bankai.

"Oh so you want to fight?" Asked Kenpachi excitedly. He leapt out of his gigai and charged into battle. "I've always wanted to fight you. Now I have an excuse." He ran through the storm of tiny blades, not caring that they ripped through his clothes and skin. "Take this!" He swung his Zanpakuto. Byakuya simply darted out of the way.

"Idiots," muttered Hitsugaya.

The battle between the captains raged on with the other Shinigami rooting on Kenpachi (save for Hitsugaya who thought the fight pointless.) This made Byakuya realize something. _'I get that Yumichika, Ikkaku, and Yachiru are his subordinates,'_ the thought to himself. _'But Suì-Fēng and Mayuri….. No one likes me….'_

The fight was interrupted by a sound familiar to all Shinigami, that of a hole being opened to allow a hollow access to the real world. All Shinigami still remaining in a gigai evacuated their false bodies, and prepared to fight.

"It's just an ordinary hollow. Damn it, I wanted to fight an Arrancar. It's not even human. It looks like a cow." Complained Kenpachi. "One of you guys handle it."

"My pleasure," called out Yumichika.

"I'm bored," said Mayuri.

They both leapt toward the ugly cow shaped Hollow when suddenly, "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," Shouted the evil creature, showering both Shinigami in a strange white liquid that emerged from its mouth.

 _'Poot, poot, poot, poot, poot, poot, poot, poot, poot, poot, poot, poot, poot, POOOOOOOOT!'_ Both Shinigami began to fart so uncontrollably that they couldn't move. They fell to the sand, immobilized.

"This is my power," said the Hollow.

"It talks!" Gasped Matsumoto.

"Anyone sprayed with my deadly Milk of Doom, will fart until they die. The only way to stop the farting is to kill me! But that will never happen."

Ikkaku, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, and Yachiru charged at the beast from all sides.

"Extend, Hozuki-maru!"

"Roar into the Frozen Skies, Hyorin-maru!"

"Roar, Hai-neko!"

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," Roared the Cow-Hollow as she fired her Milk of Doom into the sky. It rained down upon the four Shinigami, causing them all to fart uncontrollably.

"Don't underestimate my powers. I am invincible!" the Hollow boasted.

* * *

The theater was in chaos, a room of rubble and ruin. Uryu ran about desperately, trying to dodge Tsubaki, but Orihime was relentless.

"Tsubaki," she called out. "Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! Koten Zanshun! KOTEN ZANSHUN! I REJECT!"

"Orihime, please stop!" Uryu pleaded. "I'm sorry, it was an accident!"

"Renji what are you doing?" Rukia demanded.

"I'm going to kill Ichigo!" He explained.

"Why?" The orange haired Shinigami demanded.

Suddenly, a poorly aimed Tsubaki smashed into Renji's head knocking him unconscious. Out of breath, Orihime collapsed on the floor. And all was peaceful once more.

"Glad that's over," said Ichigo.

"Yeah," said Rukia. "Me too…hey wait a minute, I almost forgot," she pointed her Zanpakuto at the Quincy; "You attacked me didn't you?" Rukia began chasing Uryu around the room.

"You attacked me first!" He shouted.

"You made fun of Shinigami!"

* * *

Suì-Fēng and Byakuya charged toward the cow, waving their Zanpakuto.

"MOOOOOOOOOOO," The Hollow showered them with her Milk of Doom, but nothing happened. "You're immune, but how?" She asked. The blades pierced her flesh and destroyed her form, cleansing her of sin.

"We are nobles," said Suì-Fēng.

"And nobles don't fart," Byakuya concluded.

**The End**


End file.
